Haihhhhh

I know I said I won't be updating as often but here I am. I've been feeling really restless for the longest time. It's about application to study Masters at University of Melbourne. I have soooooo many mixed thoughts about this. Like SOOOOO many. Or maybe I should say SOOOOO much. A part of me wants to get accepted, a part of me doesn't. I'm pretty sure most of you know why I want to get accepted and I'm pretty sure most of you don't know why I DON'T want to get accepted. Yes, I've been keeping it to myself. I won't hide from everyone that the very main reason to me even wanting to apply to that university, is to stop my long distance relationship with Wk. I know, if we want to make it work, shouldn't he be doing something too, right? The thing is, he has done so much for me that I can never ask for more. I most of the time brag about the good things he has done for me, good things he got me etc etc but those are actually only like a small part of what he did or has been doing. Crap did I just bragged again? Cos the only reason I don't talk about EVERYTHING is to not sound like I'm bragging. Ok that aside, let me just let you all know the reason I even want to go to Melbourne and study is not because I love that place. Not that I hate it, I like that place and the only reason I'm liking it is because Wk's there and I'm serious. I don't want to lie to everyone and say that place is beautiful I love the people the weather blablabla when really, to think it through, if I were to be there by myself I would have hated it. So yes, my only reason to go there isn't really because I wanted to study, but to be with him. The reason I don't want to be accepted is not entirely because I don't want to study either. It's because I am afraid of the new surrounding and the new environment again. I have to once again, face new people, make new friends (hopefully, because I'm actually the last person anyone will call 'friendly'), learn new things. And besides, it's not Malaysia where I'm familiar of the culture and everything else. It's a totally new place, new culture. I am tired of building a new comfort zone. 3 years ago when I first went into uni, it took me about half a year to find people that I'm comfortable with. For about a month or two, I was all alone. And I hated it. I hated the part where I had to be alone on everything when everywhere I turn, I see people having a friend beside them to talk to. Even people only knew each for not long. I am not good at socializing at all. I am afraid of facing all that once again. I feel really happy with my group of friends from highschool and uni that I have found, that I am really comfortable and can be myself with. Esther, Wai Tuck, Cat, Adelle, Cheng Choo, Jian, Chooi Yin. Honestly, I am afraid of trying new things. I don't have the guts, I admit. I'm very much a stick-to-comfort-zone kind of girl. Besides all that fear on a completely new environment, I am worried of my youngest sister too. My other sister is at Sabah doing her degree, if I leave next year, my brother might leave for the UK in September. Then it'll be her alone at home. The thought of her being alone makes me sad. Also, another reason that I'm feeling so restless now is that, what if I don't get accepted? Money will be wasted. And not just my application fees or my violin lesson or accompaniment charges. Because Wk's foreseeing me there next year, he has cancelled his contract with his current apartment just to look for another apartment to accommodate the both of us. But what if I don't get accepted!!! I feel so stressed =( I REALLY REALLY REALLY want to be there! And I'm REALLY REALLY REALLY afraid of being rejected. And I'm REALLY REALLY REALL scared of new environment, and going through the 'alone' phase again. And if I go, I know that I will REALLY REALLY REALLY miss everything back home.

I want, and at the same time don't want it. Why! =(

Ok. Enough of ramblings. I'm going to sleep now.