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Initially I didn't want to break this news in my blog but the stress level has been cummulating up to my neck now I feel really suffocated. I have too many things to do, but too little time.

As some of you may have already known, I'm leaving Malaysia in less than 2 weeks. It's a one way ticket this time. I am going to Melbourne but it's not a holiday and it's not for school. It's to stay there for a good few years until I get a Permanent Resident (PR) Visa from the Australian Government. Because Wei Kiat is putting my name with his, the lawyer said I have to be there before lodging the application, and thereafter while waiting we are required to stay. In other words, I have to leave everything behind. Everything I already have in my fingertips - jobs, car, familiarity, connections, friends and family.

No, I'm not blaming anyone. I just need a place to let a little bit of things out before I explode.

I currently have 5 main things to do: settle things in my dad's shop, settle things in music centres I teach at, have as many lessons as I can with my violin teacher and lastly, spend time with friends/family and lastly pack.

I know I complain about working at my dad's all the time and I should be happy now that I get to get the heck out of here but that doesn't change the fact that he's my dad and if I could I would help him any time. When I told him how soon I had to leave not only did he not sound me for being irresponsible, he showed his concern on what I'm going to do there, financial stability and all the things any dads would naturally do. And I feel really bad but there's nothing I can do about it but to get everything as organized as I can before I leave.

I currently teach at three different places but the good news is that I have already told them my plans of leaving a few years before this (with failed attempts of actually leaving wtf) thankfully all bosses are already prepared. I won't miss being irritated the crap out of myself by parents who complain a lot or students who don't practice, but I would most definitely miss my students. I would miss that rewarding feeling when a student does well whether in an exam or a regular lessons, and I would miss having kiddy conversations with the younger students. Yes, I might be able to live this part of my life again in Melbourne, but the students I would get in Melbourne are not Malaysian. That, is the difference.

Right now, I'm having violin lessons as regularly as I can afford to - as long as I have enough money, and time. I feel really happy that I've finally found a teacher who would help me out unconditionally, with dedication and as much as he can but it's also really sad that I'm tied up with so many other things, I really really really want to try my best to put practicing the violin as my no. 1 priority but I just can't. My teacher advised... or rather requested that I quit working at my dad's for this month and make sure I get myself really really prepared, before approaching educators over there in Melbourne. I agree, but sadly I cannot do it. I want to quit not because I hate working here (eventhough truth is I'm only working because I feel like I owe it to my dad) but because I really want to be prepared. I try my best to practice (I should be instead of blogging but damnit I really cannot stand the stress anymore) but work just takes up more time and there's nothing I can do. I feel really sorry for myself, I feel so guilty to my teacher.

According to my schedule, I'll be out every single night after work not because I'm going to have fun with friends but it's all more work-related things to be done, trying to settle everything until the very last minute. How the heck can I spend more time with my family/friends like this?!

Lastly, it just hit me that I won't have any time at all to pack unless I sleep lesser. If I do, I'll be too exhausted to even practice or work. So the only days I'm left to actually pack, are a Saturday and a Sunday. Notice how it's not plural. How does one pack up her entire life in just 2 days? Once I leave, I don't know when I'll be able to come back. My mind is like a warzone, I don't know where to start from. I don't know what I should and should not bring. I have too much of makeup, books, clothes emotions...

And today's sick tummy plus 4 trips to the toilet is not helping at all.

Just the other day my dad was telling me he might as well sell away my car since nobody is going to drive it anymore. It made total sense, but it also made me really really sad to hear what he had just said. I don't know why. It hit me hard that my parents raised me and gave me everything including that car and then I'm just going to leave them in less than 2 weeks.

I'm sorry this post is getting so fucking emotional and I'm crying right now.