Plans

So a number of you have been asking me, or must be wondering what the heck am I going to do, leaving everything behind coming here to restart my life. 

The main reason I decided to come here is of course to end my long distance relationship with Wk. It's been 4 years and enough is enough. There's only that much a girl can handle. It was difficult but of course I'm glad we made it. I'm glad we both had faith, had plans and were looking forward to that day to come. Let's put it this way; he got a job and it's either he stays here and work and I come, or he rejects the offer and goes back to Malaysia and I can stay within my comfort zone. 

We had wanted to be together and of course had wanted a better future and here is where we imagined it to be. Shallow or childish, I don't care whatever anyone wants to say because your opinion doesn't matter. This is us and for us. Things happened, a golden opportunity was given to us, it's either we grab it now or never be offered again.

Also another reason is well... I needed a solution to being stuck at my dad's place. I've been wanting to stop working there but just couldn't figure out how. After graduating I was only working part time and it's because I wanted to have more time to practise and prepare for my Master studies application. I have to submit an audition CD which isn't something that can be done in a day or even a month. It's a long story but all in all, I just wanted more time to polish my skills and be better before I apply to study for Masters. 

Of course wanted to come to Melbourne to study because why not? Wk is here. It's the only way (at that time) that I could think of to come here and let us be together, and at the same time do what I really want to do which is to learn to play the violin professionaly. 

But my dad couldn't understand and insisted that I needed to have a full time job. And that was how I ended working for him. He didn't force me but he is my father and he needed help anyway with his business, since I was free I decided it's ok to spare a few days to help him eventhough I was reluctant to. 

I know some of you would say "just say no if you didn't want to". I can only tell you, it's easier said than done.

And a few working days became all the days I'm not teaching. My plan to practise when I'm free was crashed. I was staying with him, there's no way I could sternly tell him I don't want to work for him. I wanted to move out, but its not practical and I couldn't afford to anyway. And I couldn't bring myself to do it cos even if I move out I'll be taking the car and he bought me that car so I feel like I owe it him. In fact I owe everything to him so I feel the responsibility to help him whenever I can.

That's when I slowly see the future I planned distancing away. If I continue to work at my dad's place, I can never ever be able to be better at playing the violin, I can never ever get to go back to studying. I will probably be in LDR for the next few years. It's depressing everytime I think about this. 

Which is the ultimate reason I decided that I had to leave, if I had the opportunity to. I could stay, but I don't see myself doing what I want to do. I see myself chasing away my dreams, and I see myself crying everynight when I think of what the fuck I was doing to my life.

I'm not saying I wanted to leave because I couldn't stand my dad. It isn't. I feel that as long as I'm at home facing him, it's my responsibility to help him whenever I can eventhough I know I have my rights to say no. I know it's selfish to just leave, but I have my dreams too. And I'm immensely grateful that he didn't say no, he gave me his blessing to move to another country and offered to help me if I ever needed it. It breaks my heart but it's now or never, I had to make my decision. My dreams, or the responsibility which only exists in my conscience.

For the past few years my parents was seeing me staring at my laptop screen talking to Wk on Skype. Now it's as though I got sucked into the laptop, into the other side of the world and my parents now have to talk to me on Skype. But I guess it's just part and parcel of life. I'm glad I don't have to burden them with anything right now and I'm more glad that our relationship has gotten better if compared to the past. It's true, you never know what you have until it's gone. I never know how much I meant to them, as well as how much they meant to me until I left.

So as much as I want to come here, it also hurts me that much to leave my family but in life you just can't have it all. I really hope this is for the best.

So the question again, what am I going to do here.

For the first 3 months, because of the visa I'm holding now, I'm not allowed to work. I can't do much right now cos we're moving really soon (in a few days) and everything's all packed so I can't cook. I wanted to practise but there's too many people in the house and it'll be incosiderate to do so.

I still have plans to study which was why I was having violin lessons like crazy before I left. I want to come prepared before approaching violin tutors here. 

I will of course get a part time job. What jobs would I do? I think it's not up to me anymore as this is not Malaysia, I don't have choices. I'll take whatever comes as long as it's not ridiculous in terms of working hours and pay. 

I'm hoping to be able to afford violin lessons and maybe, apply to study Masters part time since it is what I really wanted to do - to study while I still can and want to. International students can only study full time, with a PR we're allowed to do part time. I'm hoping I can earn enough to support myself.

Right now in these 3 months, all I can do is practise whenever I can. And do chores of course lol.