This is why I graduated with a degree but I'm still not working.

I'm writing this because it's getting very frustrating everytime people come up to me and talk about job related stuffs just because I've graduated with a degree and also partly because my application for master studies got rejected. And most people think upon graduating one should be working full time already, earning a steady income, have a certain amount in your savings, and maybe paying installments for car, house, insurance and whatnot. What's frustrating is how they can never EVER ever understand my dilemma and how I'm stuck in a situation where things are not going the typical way.

If you've never learned any kind of musical instrument, or if you've learned but have never been passionate about learning a musical instrument, you'll never know that learning to play an instrument is a never ending process. A lot of people (especially parents and people who don't learn to play anything) think that music stops at the very commonly mentioned GRADE 8.

So that makes them think that obtaining a Grade 8 certificate from whatever exam board means one has completed learning music and there's nothing there to be learned anymore - as though you've a language course or something. That I can totally understand cos if you're not that passionate about music or you've never properly learned music, you won't even know that there are still 3 more Diploma Certificates to go. But there are also people who think that music stops after that 3rd Diploma. And there are even people who think that you stop learning after you've gotten a music degree.

Oh my god. You know, once and for all, I think everyone should know by now that music is a never ending process! In fact, EDUCATION and LEARNING is a never ending process! Having a music degree doesn't mean there's nothing else to be learned anymore! I'm not talking about going up to masters, or doctorate and stuffs. I'm talking about technical and practical stuffs, not theories and researches. About learning to play the instrument from a teacher.

Since graduation, I now only teach for 2 days in a week, not even 2 full days. And a lot of people are kind of making a big fuss about it - those who would NEVER understand that is. And now, I want to FREAKING MAKE YOU UNDERSTAND.

I started to play the violin only when I was 16, and prior to that, I've been learning piano since I was 7. I dunno about others but to me, it was a very late start. Some people came to me and told me "oh you started so late and you're so good already you must be really talented". The truth is, no. I progressed quickly because I have a strong piano and musical theory background. It's easy for me only because I already have the basics in my finger muscles and my brains. If there are people out there who are good even when they started late and they didn't have any sort of basics prior to that, those you can call them talented, but not me.

I realised how much I like playing the violin more than piano after about 2-3 years learning it, which was the reason why I chose it over piano as my first study instrument when I did my degree. 

I learned under a very good Norwegian teacher, but he left after teaching me for about a year. After that, I was under some amature teacher. I said amature because he wasn't bad, but just not a good one. Don't get me wrong, I've never considered myself as a good teacher either. I'm still learning but I do not teach half-heartedly unless the students themselve are learning half-heartedly. I wouldn't even bother screaming at students if I didn't really care about their learning progress. 

Anyway, I learned under that amature teacher for about a year or so before I went to Form 6 and stopped. I wanted to continue learning. I did, off and on cos I was already working part time and I was paying the fees myself so at times when I didn't have enough money,  I had to stop.

My learning progress can be considered a mess cos I didn't learn, play or practice constantly all because of studies and work and obviously, money. I didn't want to ask money from my parents for reasons I do not have to mention here.

When I did my degree in UM, I admit I slacked a lot and I never learn to prioritize. I was working a lot more, more than I should be cos I needed the money especially that 2 years I stayed out. I had to support my room's rent, phone bills, food and miscellaneous things myself. My dad only gave me enough to cover petrol. Even the furnitures in my room was paid with my own money.  With classes and work filling up my time, I didn't have enough time to practice.

This may all seem like some bunch of nicely made up excuses, but they happened. The only mistake I admit making is I didn't know how to prioritize earlier when I should be - I should have not worked so much and practice more when I still had the time to, and because of that now I'm compensating for it.

The reason I don't want to occupy all my time to work, is because I need them to practice.

FYI, profesional musicians practice at least 8 HOURS EVERY SINGLE DAY. And I said at least. If I were to work, I'll get home feeling tired and lazy already. Where do I even get that kind of time and energy to practice? 

If I had a choice I would have stopped working altogether, that gives me more time. The only reason I'm still working is because I need the money to pay for my lesson fees. My lesson costs RM 120 PER LESSON of only an hour, if you should know. It probably wouldn't be a problem to some people but to people like me who has to to work to pay it off, it is. 

What if I stopped learning and just teach full time now? I'll definitely be earning a lot more, probably enough to open a centre of my own but that's probably the only thing I can do for the rest of my life. AND THAT'S NOT WHAT I WANT TO DO FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. 

I'm not someone who's into business. I can't manage anything to save a life. And I don't want to teach and take only 60% commision all my life. 

I want to be on the stage playing - whether it's with people in an orchestra, or solo. I want to be really good in what I do. I don't want to be one of those people who goes by the saying "Those who can't do, teach." . I REALLY DON'T WANT TO BE LIKE THAT. I want to be able to teach, AND perform. I want to be the one who takes RM 120 per lesson of an hour.

There you have it, my goal. And to achieve that, first I need to buck up on my technicalities and skills. And to achieve that, I need A WHOE LOT OF TIME to practice. And to achieve that, I obviously cannot work that much. The amount of money I earn from work is enough to cover my lesson fees. And because of that, how can anyone expect me to have a certain amount of savings, pay for a car, house or insurance, or even give to my parents?

I seriously hope my parents and the rest of the people who think I'm a bummer reads this and understand my situation. Then again, they probably wouldn't cos sometimes people are just too stubborn and money-minded. I mean, I am money-minded myself, this is a material world who are we kidding? But I do have my own passion and I don't want to live a boring and uninteresting, mediocre life later. I want to live my life doing something I'm passionate about even if it means I cannot earn much.