Priorities

This morning I got a call from an unknown number. After answering, I found out it was a man who has sent me an email days ago inquiring about violin lessons. I knew it was very irresponsible of me to not reply him through email. And now he's calling me, anyone can tell how serious he was about the lessons he was asking for his son. I apologized and said no.

And now I feel this weird, indescribable sadness in me.

6 months ago, I would have said yes to ANY inquiry in a heartbeat. I was so desperate for a job, and to be able to teach the violin would be a plus. Music has been a huge part of me before doing beauty and I've always hoped to keep it that way, and someday still do things related to music. 

Today, I realize I can't hold on to all these things anymore. I only have one heart, there's only that many things I can be passionate and focused about. If I were to do them all, I'd be half-assed in any of them which isn't something good. 

It didn't take me long to say no to that inquiry, but it cuts me deep inside knowing I'm pushing music away. But if I were to try and do it all, I'll be nowhere in the future. That being said, music will still be a part of me that I'm proud of. For now, I need to concentrate on what I have in hand. There's no use living life in the past when we are all in the present. 

I'm happy to teach, but if I'm unable to commit myself 100% and risk ruining the learning progress of a child, I'd rather say no in the first place. I'm sure he will find a better teacher who can give him so much more than I can.

It's amazing and scary at the same time the change one can go through in such a short amount of time. 2 years ago, I was a hopeful music teacher hoping to be able to live in Melbourne with my other half and teach music. Today, I'm doing anything BUT music.

Oh well, what's life if it's not constantly evolving?

Omurice - 14/2/11

I want to be happy being here but honestly, I'm not truly happy. Not because I'm homesick but the endless uncertainties of what lies ahead, of my future. I can't say I don't appreciate the opportunity to be able to be here, to be safe from all the terrible disasters happening to the world, to have someone to hold on to when I crumble and fall, to experience a whole new different way of living and gain new knowledge. But the waiting is slowly killing me already. And my practice progress hasn't been very rewarding. I practise frequently, setting targets which I managed to achieve, some of it, but I find myself constantly getting frustrated and demotivated to a point where I would break down and cry. Life isn't as simple, things don't work out as easy. If I want to, I could just call back and ask my dad to send me some money so that I can enrol into schools and study. But the last thing I want to do is to give my parents more burden. There are so many casual jobs waiting to be grabbed, I'm even fortunate enough to have one reader of blog who stays here offer me job opportunities but the thing is I can't take any, yet. I'll have to wait. Not wait for the day to come, that would have been so damn easy. But wait for someone important to say yes. Many people think it's a good thing to be able to go to another country and work and live. They don't know what I had to give up to come here, and in the end not get what I first expected. Many people think my life is so easy because I basically don't have to do a single thing like waking up at 7am and go to work, or pay bills. They don't know how I'm feeling inside, they don't. They don't know the things I sacrificed back at home just to come here, and have absolutely nothing but hope. They don't know about the fear and the tears I cry. When I hear people tell me "I want to have your life" all I can do is smile and feel like crap inside.

Yesterday I made Omurice, which is a Japanese version of Malaysia's Nasi Goreng Pattaya. Omurice = Omelette + Rice. The difference is, Omurice has Tomato Ketchup drizzle and tomato fried chicken rice, while Nasi Pattaya has chilli sauce drizzle and regular fried rice with crappy mixed vegetables and sometimes a little bit of chicken. Everything turned out great until the egg wrapping part and transferring it onto a plate. It was so difficult because my pan was flat and not big enough to make an omelette big enough to wrap the rice completely. Nevertheless, I'm quite happy with the result.

It's 14 degrees tonight

It's been three weeks since I had internet to use. Never thought I'd be able to survive this long haha. Sorry I'll reply all comments once I have Internet. The only time i get to come in touch with the internet is when Wk is back from work, i get to use his phone to get online but trust me it's not fun at all doing so much of typing using an iPhone... Or any phone actually.

We've gotten about 70% of our furnitures in. We got a really cozy couch with bright red covers, a dark brown timber finish coffee as well as dining table, a queen size mattress (which was really expensive btw, I never knew mattresses were that expensive but if it's something we're gonna sleep on everynight for the years to come it's obviously netter to invest on a good one) and a small desk cos our room can't fit a bigger one.

Just yesterday we got some new (really nice!) dinnerwares and towels. The apartment is starting to look and feel homely.

I made meatballs today. My second time. The first time I made them I had to tweak a little from the recipe cos I didn't have most of the ingredients. Turned out pretty good. I got curious and decided to make them again this time using what's asked for since the kitchen now is more well stocked than before. They're all nicely arranged in a tray kept in the fridge, waiting to be cooked! I just need one fine day to cook them...

Tomorrow we're going to the market to pick up some fresh vege and meats and whatnot. The fridge is still lacking on those.

Today's my dad's birthday and I really miss being home. Usually there'll be a cake and during the night everyone will gather and sing a birthday song and eat cake together. If it's our parents' birthday it'll be either one of my siblings or my job to get a cake. This time, my brother's in the UK, my sis's in Sabah, and I'm obviously here in Melbourne. My other sister obviously can't buy a cake by herself. I called back earlier and was told that they just had dinner and my parents and my sis were going out to get a cake.

Hearing that I don't know if I should be happy that at least they still have my sis around, or sad that nobody bought the cake for my dad.

Sorry this is getting emotional again. I'm of course glad that everyone's doing fine. I promise I will be fine too.

Plans

So a number of you have been asking me, or must be wondering what the heck am I going to do, leaving everything behind coming here to restart my life. 

The main reason I decided to come here is of course to end my long distance relationship with Wk. It's been 4 years and enough is enough. There's only that much a girl can handle. It was difficult but of course I'm glad we made it. I'm glad we both had faith, had plans and were looking forward to that day to come. Let's put it this way; he got a job and it's either he stays here and work and I come, or he rejects the offer and goes back to Malaysia and I can stay within my comfort zone. 

We had wanted to be together and of course had wanted a better future and here is where we imagined it to be. Shallow or childish, I don't care whatever anyone wants to say because your opinion doesn't matter. This is us and for us. Things happened, a golden opportunity was given to us, it's either we grab it now or never be offered again.

Also another reason is well... I needed a solution to being stuck at my dad's place. I've been wanting to stop working there but just couldn't figure out how. After graduating I was only working part time and it's because I wanted to have more time to practise and prepare for my Master studies application. I have to submit an audition CD which isn't something that can be done in a day or even a month. It's a long story but all in all, I just wanted more time to polish my skills and be better before I apply to study for Masters. 

Of course wanted to come to Melbourne to study because why not? Wk is here. It's the only way (at that time) that I could think of to come here and let us be together, and at the same time do what I really want to do which is to learn to play the violin professionaly. 

But my dad couldn't understand and insisted that I needed to have a full time job. And that was how I ended working for him. He didn't force me but he is my father and he needed help anyway with his business, since I was free I decided it's ok to spare a few days to help him eventhough I was reluctant to. 

I know some of you would say "just say no if you didn't want to". I can only tell you, it's easier said than done.

And a few working days became all the days I'm not teaching. My plan to practise when I'm free was crashed. I was staying with him, there's no way I could sternly tell him I don't want to work for him. I wanted to move out, but its not practical and I couldn't afford to anyway. And I couldn't bring myself to do it cos even if I move out I'll be taking the car and he bought me that car so I feel like I owe it him. In fact I owe everything to him so I feel the responsibility to help him whenever I can.

That's when I slowly see the future I planned distancing away. If I continue to work at my dad's place, I can never ever be able to be better at playing the violin, I can never ever get to go back to studying. I will probably be in LDR for the next few years. It's depressing everytime I think about this. 

Which is the ultimate reason I decided that I had to leave, if I had the opportunity to. I could stay, but I don't see myself doing what I want to do. I see myself chasing away my dreams, and I see myself crying everynight when I think of what the fuck I was doing to my life.

I'm not saying I wanted to leave because I couldn't stand my dad. It isn't. I feel that as long as I'm at home facing him, it's my responsibility to help him whenever I can eventhough I know I have my rights to say no. I know it's selfish to just leave, but I have my dreams too. And I'm immensely grateful that he didn't say no, he gave me his blessing to move to another country and offered to help me if I ever needed it. It breaks my heart but it's now or never, I had to make my decision. My dreams, or the responsibility which only exists in my conscience.

For the past few years my parents was seeing me staring at my laptop screen talking to Wk on Skype. Now it's as though I got sucked into the laptop, into the other side of the world and my parents now have to talk to me on Skype. But I guess it's just part and parcel of life. I'm glad I don't have to burden them with anything right now and I'm more glad that our relationship has gotten better if compared to the past. It's true, you never know what you have until it's gone. I never know how much I meant to them, as well as how much they meant to me until I left.

So as much as I want to come here, it also hurts me that much to leave my family but in life you just can't have it all. I really hope this is for the best.

So the question again, what am I going to do here.

For the first 3 months, because of the visa I'm holding now, I'm not allowed to work. I can't do much right now cos we're moving really soon (in a few days) and everything's all packed so I can't cook. I wanted to practise but there's too many people in the house and it'll be incosiderate to do so.

I still have plans to study which was why I was having violin lessons like crazy before I left. I want to come prepared before approaching violin tutors here. 

I will of course get a part time job. What jobs would I do? I think it's not up to me anymore as this is not Malaysia, I don't have choices. I'll take whatever comes as long as it's not ridiculous in terms of working hours and pay. 

I'm hoping to be able to afford violin lessons and maybe, apply to study Masters part time since it is what I really wanted to do - to study while I still can and want to. International students can only study full time, with a PR we're allowed to do part time. I'm hoping I can earn enough to support myself.

Right now in these 3 months, all I can do is practise whenever I can. And do chores of course lol.

Prelude

As most of you have already known, I'm already here in Melbourne. I've quitted all my jobs, compressed my life and packed it into about 32kg, said goodbye to everyone, cried buckets of tears, sat in the plane for 8 hours and now, I'm here in a familiar new place with my other half.

I wanted to post pictures but everything in the apartment's all packed as we're preparing to move into another apartment, I can't find the cable to transfer pictures from my camera. Wk's at work right now and I don't want to bother him about this so this will be a picture-less post.

Yesterday on the way to the airport, my grandmother couldn't hold her tears and she was pouring for some time in the car. It seriously broke my heart to see her that way but there was nothing I could do to stop her from crying because she knows I'm leaving her.

At the airport, Esther, Wai Tuck and Sim Mei came to send me off. 

I've never mentioned this but when I first went to STAR (my secondary school), Sim Mei was actually the very first friend I made. I went into the class not knowing where I should sit. I saw here and there was an empty seat next to her so naturally I walked over and politely asked if I could sit there and she said yes. I've previously heard about her as we were both from the same primary school (Simpang Lima) but we were at different classes so we didn't know each other. But I heard she was really smart, so I guess before I decided to be seated next to her I did put that into consideration, that I'm sitting next to someone smart and that could be beneficial to my studies somehow hahaha!

Esther was in a different class, but somehow got transfered to the same class as Sim Mei and I during secondary school. Esther again, was from the same primary school as me but we were not in the same class. In fact, I remember seeing her even since kindergarten. She and Sim Mei were from the same class in primary so when she got transfered, Sim Mei introduced her to me. I told her how I remember seeing her in kindergarten and then we just clicked from there.

Technically, I've known these two girls for 11 years already. And counting.

As for Wai Tuck, I don't remember how we got to know each other but we met during Form 6. And he's been my 'kaki' in Klang along with Esther for 6 years now. He's also my rap partner in karaoke :D

When I had to go into the terminal, I said goodbye to everyone. I first told my grandma to take care of herself. When I hugged her I couldn't control myself anymore and I broke down. Seeing this, I guess everyone else broke down too. I then hugged everyone else, including my parents.

I'm sure most of you know I have quite a weird relationship with my parents. Sometimes I bitch about them, sometimes I say how much I love them. We don't communicate much unless we need to talk about serious stuffs. 

The last time I hug them was probably when I was really young. 5? 6 or 7 years old? I don't know. And now that I'm giving them a hug, it hit me that I'm hugging them because I'm leaving them already. And I cried even harder. My mom cried. I don't know if my dad did cos I was too emotional to see already. 

I'm sorry I forgot to give Cerdwin (my future sister in law) and Wai Tuck a hug. I dunno why I didn't, I'm sorry. I appreciate your presence so much yesterday. And thank you so much for the gift Cerdwin, you really didn't have to. But since you insisted, I told you what I prefered :P Thank you so much! :)

When I was at the waiting gate, I broke down again and while crying, Dr. Nasir (my lecturer in UM) called me and wished me the best. He, as usual, was about to say something lame but when he found out I was crying he went all serious lol. Nikki (one of my violin students) called to wish me too.

When I was in the plane I broke down every once in a while when I had nothing to do and I couldn't sleep. And I took out all the letters and thank you cards I've received and read them. From my students Nikki, Huishan and Zhishan, from Sunwave Music Centre, from Alfa, from Esther. Wth I cried even more especially when I see the word "Teacher Ee Von" but it kept my heart warm knowing how much people loved me and my presence mattered was appreciated all these while. Thank you all of you who gave me all these lovely remembrance, you know who you are!

I held a meetup with my best uni friends - Jian, Chee Wei, Adelle, Michelle and Cheng Choo. Cat was supposed to come but she was busy with her thesis so she couldn't make it. It was really nice meeting everyone once again. We talked about silly things, laughed at silly things like how we stupidly looked at the Apple logo instead of the lens at the back of Adelle's iPhone when the guy was helping us to take a picture using it. 

Jian was one of the first few friends I made when I went into UM. He was also my rumoured boyfriend haha! We were close enough for people to think we're actually a couple lol. Adelle was the first friend (apart from my roommates then) I made when I stayed in the hostel. Most of the people there conversed in Mandarin and I couldn't really fit in until I met her and we clicked instantly because we share pretty much the same opinion on everything! Cheng Choo and Chee Wei was from the dance department and I don't remember how we know each other but they too, got along with us super well. Michelle is Adelle sister and of course, was introduced to us through Adelle. She's friendly, nice and witty. 

All of them are my favourite people in uni and nobody can take that away.

Then of course there's Cat whom I again, can't remember how we got to know each other and gotten close but I'm thankful and grateful to have her as my friend all these while. We've been through the ups and downs together, played gigs (cheating wan ahahahah), karaoke at the most ridiculous time of the semester, my most favourite times with her are of course in UMSO. It's not the best orchestra but its the people there that made it all worthwhile. People like her, Alfa (my FAVOURITE gay friend haha), and Amy.

Thank you for the earrings Chung Kiap, Yik Chuan (I still prefer to call you this than Albert, sorry! I first know you with that name!), Esther, Sim Mei and Wai Tuck. I wear them everyday now :) Well partly is because I don't own real stuff (as in gold or silver etc) and my ears can only take those so yeah hahaah. The Spongebob plush sleeps with me everyday! Er... it's just a sponge so it can't do much ya know what i mean wtf.

Of course, I wanna thank my parents and my grandma for all the support. Emotionally and financially! Hahah. My mom showered me with luxury again T__T this time she gave me 2 gold bracelets and a designer wallet T________T 

Ok this post is going nowhere but I hope I didn't leave out anyone. I know it's not as though I won't see them anymore, but the fact is I don't know when I'll be seeing them again.

I'll be living a new chapter of my life here and I promise to be happy.

-

Initially I didn't want to break this news in my blog but the stress level has been cummulating up to my neck now I feel really suffocated. I have too many things to do, but too little time.

As some of you may have already known, I'm leaving Malaysia in less than 2 weeks. It's a one way ticket this time. I am going to Melbourne but it's not a holiday and it's not for school. It's to stay there for a good few years until I get a Permanent Resident (PR) Visa from the Australian Government. Because Wei Kiat is putting my name with his, the lawyer said I have to be there before lodging the application, and thereafter while waiting we are required to stay. In other words, I have to leave everything behind. Everything I already have in my fingertips - jobs, car, familiarity, connections, friends and family.

No, I'm not blaming anyone. I just need a place to let a little bit of things out before I explode.

I currently have 5 main things to do: settle things in my dad's shop, settle things in music centres I teach at, have as many lessons as I can with my violin teacher and lastly, spend time with friends/family and lastly pack.

I know I complain about working at my dad's all the time and I should be happy now that I get to get the heck out of here but that doesn't change the fact that he's my dad and if I could I would help him any time. When I told him how soon I had to leave not only did he not sound me for being irresponsible, he showed his concern on what I'm going to do there, financial stability and all the things any dads would naturally do. And I feel really bad but there's nothing I can do about it but to get everything as organized as I can before I leave.

I currently teach at three different places but the good news is that I have already told them my plans of leaving a few years before this (with failed attempts of actually leaving wtf) thankfully all bosses are already prepared. I won't miss being irritated the crap out of myself by parents who complain a lot or students who don't practice, but I would most definitely miss my students. I would miss that rewarding feeling when a student does well whether in an exam or a regular lessons, and I would miss having kiddy conversations with the younger students. Yes, I might be able to live this part of my life again in Melbourne, but the students I would get in Melbourne are not Malaysian. That, is the difference.

Right now, I'm having violin lessons as regularly as I can afford to - as long as I have enough money, and time. I feel really happy that I've finally found a teacher who would help me out unconditionally, with dedication and as much as he can but it's also really sad that I'm tied up with so many other things, I really really really want to try my best to put practicing the violin as my no. 1 priority but I just can't. My teacher advised... or rather requested that I quit working at my dad's for this month and make sure I get myself really really prepared, before approaching educators over there in Melbourne. I agree, but sadly I cannot do it. I want to quit not because I hate working here (eventhough truth is I'm only working because I feel like I owe it to my dad) but because I really want to be prepared. I try my best to practice (I should be instead of blogging but damnit I really cannot stand the stress anymore) but work just takes up more time and there's nothing I can do. I feel really sorry for myself, I feel so guilty to my teacher.

According to my schedule, I'll be out every single night after work not because I'm going to have fun with friends but it's all more work-related things to be done, trying to settle everything until the very last minute. How the heck can I spend more time with my family/friends like this?!

Lastly, it just hit me that I won't have any time at all to pack unless I sleep lesser. If I do, I'll be too exhausted to even practice or work. So the only days I'm left to actually pack, are a Saturday and a Sunday. Notice how it's not plural. How does one pack up her entire life in just 2 days? Once I leave, I don't know when I'll be able to come back. My mind is like a warzone, I don't know where to start from. I don't know what I should and should not bring. I have too much of makeup, books, clothes emotions...

And today's sick tummy plus 4 trips to the toilet is not helping at all.

Just the other day my dad was telling me he might as well sell away my car since nobody is going to drive it anymore. It made total sense, but it also made me really really sad to hear what he had just said. I don't know why. It hit me hard that my parents raised me and gave me everything including that car and then I'm just going to leave them in less than 2 weeks.

I'm sorry this post is getting so fucking emotional and I'm crying right now.

Life as of late

... hasn't been the greatest. If there's one thing I really want to do and can afford to do now, it'll be moving out. A few days ago while crying silently in the toilet, memories stirred and quickly I realised how days in uni when I was away from home were probably one of the best times of my life. All I want to do now, is work my way towards leaving home once again.

Distance does make the heart fonder I can assure everyone. And I am not only speaking for girl-guy relationships. For my parents and myself, I think only distance can tame the stiffness of the relationship we share now.

A recent gathering. Clockwise L-R: Esther, Cat, Chooi Yin & Sam.

A recent celebration, my grandma's birthday. Pictured here are almost all of my cousins (the grandchildren) . I'm not in the picture because I looked too cool I need to be cropped but you can still see my cool hands at the far right.

The ones pointed with an arrow are future cousins (grandchildren) in law, and circled in red are one of my cousins' daughters, the great-grandchildren? Is that how you call it? And how are they called in relation to me? Second cousin? 

Uncles and aunts, all of my grandma's children including their spouses.

Grandma and 2 of her sons (my laopeh at the right). Another uncle passed away 2 years ago.

My grandma's hottest granddaughter period.

Ok that is all for today. No excitement to write about anything.

Btw, I'm almost done with Eat, Pray, Love. I know, "omg Ee Von the last time I heard you talking about that book was 10 years ago you're not done?". Sorry, haven't exactly had the mood to read. But I'm glad I'll be on time for the movie.

As I read it I feel like I've been following Elizabeth around on her adventure and now that I'm left with only 10ish pages I don't feel like I want to finish reading it :(  

Everytime I finish reading something really good I'll get this weird empty feeling. It's like losing something, or a really close friend just left for somewhere. It takes me a really long to complete a book but at least I feel like I'm still on an adventure just cos I'm not at the end yet, you know what I mean?

Do you get this kinda weird reactions when you read?

Happy tears

I first saw this video on Facebook and I cried almost immediately when the video started to play. I watched it about 3 times already and I swear I cried each time. Sounds like too much but yeah, I suck.

I can't embed the one in Facebook here so I searched through Youtube and found these two which aren't the same but they're pretty good too.

Please note that I'm not in any way supporting any war. These videos are heart warming because they show nothing but pure happiness when longings are rewarded.

On an unrelated note, I'm not very pleased at the moment. I placed an order on ASOS.com 18 days ago and until now, my package is nowhere to be seen. Well technically I won't see it cos they don't provide shipping to Malaysia so I made them ship to Wk's place in Melbourne but still, no news or package whatsoever. I contacted ASOS and they told me to wait for another 10 days. Like seriously... I had to pay like freaking 10.50 pounds for shipping and now I need to wait for almost a month to get my stuffs? :( They better make sure my order is safely delivered within the next 10 days or I'll... cry wtf.

Have you ever...

... felt like you hate your life? You know you're not trying to sound like you're taking things for granted, you know you're very lucky if compared to many homeless and hungry kids out there, but you somehow want to have just a TINY bit more?

... felt like you want to smash the computer because you can't connect to the internet and Skype with someone dearest to you?

... felt like life is extremely unfair - you see other couples having the chance to be PHYSICALLY together and you feel extremely jealous? Not envious, JEALOUS. You start to think why you pour your heart and soul into the relationship but it doesn't promise you what you really want. You know distance doesn't matter, you still want to hope that your tiny little wish can be granted.

... felt like you don't know what to do with your life - you're unsure of the directions anymore.

... felt like you have such a big dream to achieve but it all topples down when your family doesn't really understand what you're trying to achieve. You try and try and try again to build those sand casltes but again and again, it gets washed away by the sea water. And then, you just feel like walking away and at the same time, feel wasted.

Goodbye DU - I'll miss you.

We've finally moved. To this ulu place called Putra Heights. It's a pretty newly developed place so there's pretty much nothing there - including a lunch kaki =( And my favourite chap fan place, and my favourite place to buy my favourite guava where they'll add shitload of my favourite asam powder =((((((((((((((((

I absolutely hate it when I need to leave after I begin to like a certain place =( 

We... I mean my dad's shop has been there for the past decade. We've moved after being in the front row for 10 years, to the back only because the rent became very intolerable. Stayed for another 2 years and the lack of parking and business became even more intolerable. That makes it 12 years at Uptown. My dad has been talking about moving and finally, it's for real this time. Honestly, I'll miss working there a lot. 

I worked there 4 years ago before entering uni for about half a year, and started working there again since the past 3 months. There's nothing you won't like in Damansara Uptown - EVERYTHING is there. The vibe, the people, the food. It's considered one of the prime locations for commercial and business, possibly everything you need is there. 

Or maybe I should even include "possibly everything you DON'T need is there eg. double parking" lol but hey, if people are not double parking, it's probably not so much of a prime location, no? Double parking is seriously not EVERYONE's fault - it's the developer's fault. They've never put into consideration on parking spaces before building all these sky high commercial towers and 3 stories business buildings. Hello? 2-3 Parking spaces for 3 stories of shops? Ok this totally deserves another post.

But seriously, I WILL miss double parking there. If there's one thing to describe DU, I'll say the double parking madness!

Anyway. I've always complained that my job was boring the crap out of me until I found Shin Dhee who's working very near me, found a few places I like to eat at and a few petshops I like to pass by. On days when I don't feel like walking out, I order McDelivery cos McD's is IN Uptown itself. 

Now in Putra Heights, there's NOTHING of everything I've liked in DU. Now I truly know the meaning of boredom.

Ooh my eyes got punched.

Okbai.

Baby,

Ignorance is not bliss in our case, but when I cry, I really can't talk to you.

It's 4.44 am.

I'm typing in the dark, trying to stay awake to wake him up to continue working on his stuff. He tried to pull and all nighter but was slowly falling sick. I'm supposed to make sure he only sleeps for half an hour and make sure he gets up and continue doing. I'm going home tomorrow. I'm so sad. We don't even have time for each other on my so called 'last day' here. I know technically it's not like we'll never meet but still.

Tomorrow I need to go pick up some stuffs from Vic Market. And then Priceline. And maybe Zuza. He has class almost half the day. The only times we'll probably get to see each other are before his class, after his class which is when we should be on the way to the airport, and also most probably eating McD in the airport while waiting for my time to leave.

Emo, emo.

Ok let me go continue checking out what are my studying options here in Melbourne. I cannot take this any longer.

I don't wanna go home :'(

No matter how many times I do this, it's still hard :'( This whole meeting again and parting again thing.

Breakfast yesterday. Cheese Omelette and Italian Herbs Potatoes, and Hazelnut Latte.

This was a week back.

Bought this Philosphy Cinnamon Buns shampoo/shower gel/bubble bath cos it smelled like the most divine thing everrrr. If you love the smell of cinnamon buns, cinnamon or Cinnabon (the shop which sells cinnamon buns), you'll absolutely love this.

Forgot to pack my perfume with me so in the duty free shop, I saw this (duty free of course) and bought it without thinking cos I've been meaning to get it. Smells like pineapple and I absolutely adore it.

This is by now my favourite lipbalm to use.

And my favourite nail colour, the one on the right.

Ok bye! Thanks for reading people.

x

Dippy, Fran & Hi-Chew

Yay!:

I'm not feeling the best, but definitely better already. Thanks to everyone who showed concern =) Did some retail therapy today. Went out with Esther. Look what I bought!

 

From Forever 21, 3 tops, a pair of earrings and a necklace! I don't know what's with me, everything I picked has an abstract, floral motive! They all look like pieces of art. Water colour art. Tattoo. Graffitti. Aaah I love them. And thank goodness I didn't get everything in black otherwise, can't wear them for CNY. I have a tendency to buy clothes in black ALL THE TIME. So, surprise surprise. Actually not that I really care about the colour for CNY but I don't like people to nag me.

And also, the junkfood junkie in me got these as well:

 

I am OBSESSED with Japanese snacks. Seriously. Fran has completely replaced Pocky in me. It's wayyyy better. Dippy is the BEST biscuit sticks with dips everrrr. Forget Yan yan, if that's what it's called... Only those that I got - the ones with chocolate biscuit sticks are good. I've tried other 2 flavours, not as nice. And Hi-Chew candies! They're like Sugus (anyone still remember Sugus?) but much nicer!  Apple is the BEST flavour out of all that I've tried but we'll see. Cos I've gotten a few new flavours that I've never tried before like Peach, Daifuku and... I'll tell you in the next picture. Daifuku tastes like strawberry yoghurt. Not impressed. Haven't tried peach.

And guess what's the next flavour I got?

 

DURIAN WTFBBQ!

Seriously I wanted to laugh when I saw it! Isn't it funny? Durian flavoured chewy candy! I was really curious on how it'll taste so I got it. Actually it's not too bad but being a fan of durians, I'd say it tastes quite artificial. But I'm sure Esther will cringe when I offer this to her. Lol.

Boo!:

I STILL have not gotten over the fact that I was rejected. Honestly, I don't know if I would reapply. It's not something easy, like some of you may think. I spent a lot of money just to produce the audition CD. If I were to reapply, I would need to do it all over again. If you're wondering why wouldn't I use back the same CD, it's because hey, if you have time, wouldn't you want to make it better? If I decided to reapply, I'd rather reproduce everything than sending a lousy CD (which I got rejected with) and risk getting rejected again. It just wastes time - producing the CD and waiting for the reply. And in the end it only makes me feel like shit. Music is not as simple filling in the application forms and sending it and attend an interview. 

I know I've also made a mistake by not applying to a few other universities. My reason is I ONLY want to go to Melbourne U. And my reason to that is if there's a good school, why not?  If my qualification fits, why not? But looks like I'm not fit for it lah. I HAVE heard that the music school in Monash is not as good, which explains why. If I ever thought of applying again, I will definitely send my application to not only one university. If.

Random:

Besides crying, this rejection has made me think a lot. Will talk more about it once it's confirmed.

Thanks for reading people! 

x

Eev

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Yay!:

After that news, there's nothing I was happy about already.

Boo!:

It happened so quickly. One minute, I received a package and was really excited but was turned down cos it's not from the uni but some stuffs I bought online a while ago. Then I received an email from an agent in IDP whom I've been dealing with all these while. I asked her for her help last week to see if the uni has sent any reply cos it's been more than 3 weeks since they received my application. When I saw that email from her, my heart skipped a bit and I started praying. Ok maybe not praying since I've never prayed. But I was hoping to see something good. Instead, these words "I'm sorry but your application is unsuccessful" made me stunned. I didn't feel as bad until I saw the PDF file, a scan of a supposingly the uni's letter to me which I've yet to receive.  I broke down little by little and have been crying nonstop that it's making everywhere hurts. My jaw, my nose, my eyes (its so swollen I can't even open it properly now haih) and my head. It's not that I don't want to stop crying. Everytime I think about another goodbye, it just shatters my heart. I admit part of the misery is because I have spent so much money just to prepare that fucking audition cd. To reapply, I need to spend another sum. And my dad always say I don't save money. How do I save my money when I need to pay for so many things each time? Those aren't the point anyway. Haih.

Random:

Just to hide my fugly crying face.

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This is not a yay boo random post.

In case you are wondering, my application was rejected. I thought I could accept it when it happens since I did expect the worst scenario. I was wrong. I cannot. If you think I'm wallowing in self pity, yes I am. Let me, at least for now.

I don't know what to do next.

I know

Is crying a failure of staying strong? If it is, I'm sorry I failed. I am known by a number of friends as a person who laughs really easily, easily ammused, easily humoured. Do you guys know I cry easily too? I see someone with no arms or legs on the street begging for money, I feel like crying. My lecturer scolds me, I get furious and I'll cry. I read or watch a sad story/movie, I cry. My parents disallow me to go out with my friends, I cry. Happened when I was younger though. My students play like crap and no matter how many fucking times I tell/yell/teach them they still either don't practice, or don't get it, or both, I'll cry. When someone close leaves, I'll cry.

I tried and tried to understand the situation. He's there. The line's expensive. Something's wrong with the internet service. Up till now, I've sent out 10 messages, and 7 from him. We're supposed to talk in msn. But the internet's not working over there.

I've waited and waited, and in the end all I get to do is sit here and feel extremely disappointed and sad. I know it's nobody's fault. I know it's not his fault that the internet's fucked up. I know it's not his fault that communicating's expensive. I know it's not his fault if he doesn't want to send me any messages just because its expensive.

So what? I'm still crying a river now.

Even though it's only 6 weeks

I know nobody likes dealing with goodbyes but I know nobody feels the same about goodbyes.

Everytime I stand in the airport facing the departure gate saying goodbye, I always have this question repeatedly banging inside my head,

" Why do I have to go through this? Why humans have to go through this? Why do certain people need to be apart? "

Over the years I've grown much stronger to all these farewells but the pain, the sadness and emptiness have never gone away from me. I know I'll get over it within days (sometimes, hours) but if I get to choose, I'd rather not go through all it at all.

Today I walked away from the airport and wished it'll be the last goodbye we'll have to say to each other. At the same time I felt so afraid of rejection, of when things don't go the way I prayed them to be. I feel it every day, every minute and every hour.

He'll be gone to Germany for only 6 weeks but when he gets back, there're only 3... possibilities. Two good, one bad.

1. I've already left, for orientation.

2. I'll be around, and will be leaving with him.

3. I'll be around, and staying back.

We've been staying so positive up till now, hoping for the best, planning for the best possibility. But I still cannot help but to be afraid of the unexpected.

Gosh I am so freakin' worried.

Tonight...

... is one of the many nights where I feel extremely down, again. It's the audition. And the whole master studies at Uni of Melbourne thing.

Why do people live having to deal with so many things? Why can't we just be happy and free?

I know

It hurts to know everytime I talk to you about it I get stressed out and then the next thing I know is I'll feel like crying. And it hurts more when you don't know how to stop it and I will end up crying. I know I am not trying my best. I know I should be. But I also know things sometimes just will not go the way I want them to. And I know it wouldn't have happened if I did try a little harder at first. And I also know there's nothing I can do about it now. Can you please do something?

The bigger my expectation, I know the more it'll disappoint me, some day. And I know same goes to you.